


Dopheld Mitaka's Doomed Retirement Fund

by gundamoocow



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Bad Sex, Blow Jobs, Crack, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-09-15 09:42:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9229127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gundamoocow/pseuds/gundamoocow
Summary: Dopheld Mitaka attempts to film his superiors having sex for fun and profit. What happens next may surprise you!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by [this submission](http://reserve.tumblr.com/post/155488460720/when-kylo-and-hux-finally-get-together-everyone) to [reserve](http://reserve.tumblr.com/)'s NSFW headcanon Friday, which I submitted. It is awful and it's nonsense and I'm sorry XD

He didn’t mean it to spiral out of control like this. He really didn’t, but when have things ever worked out according to plan? At least his father, may his soul rest in peace, wouldn’t complain that he lacked initiative.

The Empire had almost unlimited resources, and it crumbled at the hands of disorganised rebels. Who was to say the same wouldn’t happen to the First Order? Mitaka sweated at the potentially treasonous thought. It was not an outcome he was rooting for, especially since he failed to get himself assigned to a backwater administrative post (somewhere quiet without too much going on), and instead ended up as a Lieutenant on the First Order’s flagship. What a blunder. Anyway, the point was that one shouldn’t have all their eggs in one basket, so to speak, when it came to retirement savings.

Mitaka himself couldn’t deny that he was curious. Hux and Ren had an explosive dynamic, and all manner of personnel came to Mitaka on a regular basis to query the relationship status of their two co-commanders, since he had front row seats from his station on the bridge. It was just tidbits of information first, but then people wanted more -- photos, sounds recordings, live holo feeds -- all things that Mitaka deemed too risky until someone had offered to pay him for his services.

One thing led to another, and he was now fiddling with camera feeds from Hux’s private quarters while keeping track of betting statistics of who was expected to top, how long it would last, what sorts of positions they would do it in, which additional props might be used, whether Ren would have a tantrum at some point in the proceedings, and so on. As the unofficial betting agent, he made a little from each bet no matter what the outcome, but that money would pale in comparison to what he expected to make from (very private, very exclusive) video viewings. He sighed and shook his head, frowning at the displays. His mother didn’t raise him to be a pervert. This was business and it was for his future. She would understand, surely.

A sound from one of the feeds made him jump, causing him to nearly send his drink flying. It was Hux’s door opening and closing. Hux walked in first, then Ren behind him, helmetless. Mitaka pressed record and turned up the volume of his headphones.

Both men walked into Hux’s bedroom. What would they do? Mitaka leaned forward, resting his elbows on the desk and his chin on his hands.

Ren looked around the room, studying it as if he hadn’t been there before, which could very well be the case. Any moment now, Mitaka expected him to pounce on the general. Ren had a sort of raw sexual energy, Mitaka thought, if he was being honest with himself.

“Shall we do it on the bed?” Hux asked. His voice shook a little.

Ren nodded once, and Hux sat down on the bed to remove his boots. Ren followed suit, taking a seat on the opposite side of the bed to Hux. When they were done, and Mitaka was fairly certain that both Ren and Hux unnecessarily dragged out the boot removal process, they climbed onto the bed, reclining on their backs on top of the bedcovers as far away from each other as humanly possible.

There had to be a trick here. Perhaps it was a game? They would wrestle for dominance, and so they needed to start a certain distance away from one another to ensure a fair fight. That could be interesting. Would Ren use the Force? Would Hux use his dirty tactics?

Mitaka watched the chrono, and a full five standard minutes later during which time neither man moved, Ren asked, “Do you want to go first or should I?”

“We could-- We could do it to each other at the same time,” Hux suggested.

“Okay.”

They shuffled slightly closer to each other, but _still_ didn’t so much as roll over. Hux undid his belt and his trousers, while Ren took considerably longer getting through his many layers of robes. Mitaka stared intently at the monitor, waiting for the first sign of an erection, contact, _anything_. When Ren pulled himself out, he was only half erect. Mitaka zoomed in, trying to gauge his size. Substantial. Not something he himself was prepared to take. Would the general?

Hux revealed his own fully erect specimen, which was not as big as Ren’s, but certainly respectable.

Their hands moved towards each other’s cocks at a glacial speed. When their hands finally settled on each other (with a healthy gap remaining between their bodies), Hux made a cringe-inducing choked off sound.

Mitaka had to rub his eyes and pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t imagining the scene on camera. Mitaka’s regular sexual encounters with his own hand had more passion than this. He had never seen two people so desperately trying to get each other off while even more desperately trying not to look at or touch each other. If Mitaka had not personally overheard Hux proposition Kylo, he would have thought they were being forced to do this for money or as penance for losing a bet.

Not two minutes in, Hux scrunched his eyes shut and bucked his hips against Ren’s fist, made another horrifically embarrassing sound, and came all over Ren’s hand and his own uniform.

Ren wiped the mess on the bed sheets and Hux quickly tucked himself back in before resuming his work on Ren’s cock.

“My arm is getting tired,” Hux stated after a few minutes of mechanical pumping.

“You can try doing it with both hands,” Ren suggested.

After more awkward positioning, Hux ended up kneeling facing Ren with one curled fist around his cock on top of the other, going at it like a madman. Ren’s face twitched, possibly from discomfort.

“Hux,” Ren said eventually, when it was abundantly clear to everyone except Hux that this wasn’t going anywhere, “I can finish myself off.”

Hux seemed both dejected and relieved. “Should I do something else?” he asked. “I can, you know…”

Ren nodded. He took hold of his cock and started stroking at a very different rhythm from how Hux was doing it while Hux bent down to lick the head. At least that’s what Mitaka assumed was happening, given that the camera’s view was now completely obscured. Suddenly, Hux jolted up and frantically gesticulated at Ren.

“It’s in my eye! Kriff, it stings! Get me a tissue!”

Panicked, Ren darted around the room until he gave up and found toilet paper in the refresher.

“Hold on, Hux,” Ren said, gently gripping Hux’s chin and wiping away excess semen. “You better wash the rest out.”

They both entered the refresher, where Mitaka unfortunately did not have a camera installed. When they re-entered the bedroom, they sat on the bed, on the same side this time, and their conversation drifted to the space pirates who were disrupting one of their supply lines, and how this needed to be dealt with soon -- in other words, work.

Mitaka blinked in disbelief. Was that it? Was that really it?

He buried his face in his hands. This recording would never make him any money. He dreaded to even show it to anyone else, but he already had dozens of people lined up willing to pay a lot of credits to see it. What would he tell them?

He was going to have to seriously downgrade his retirement plans, that was for sure.


	2. Chapter 2

If Mitaka was going to salvage the situation, he had to be proactive. People had questions, and wouldn't let the subject die no matter how hard Mitaka tried to fob them off. He vainly hoped that Ren and Hux would have more productive encounters as they got more comfortable with one another, but after two standard weeks of Mitaka watching them while trying not to claw his own eyeballs out, he decided to act.

Hux’s schedule didn't allow time for leisurely reading, but Ren seemed more flexible, so Mitaka chose to covertly slip a copy of _The Joy of Space Sex: Human Edition_ onto Ren’s datapad.

It worked. Sort of.

Ren was _engrossed_. Mitaka didn't know whether Ren was much of a reader. He certainly never saw him reading for pleasure, but Mitaka wasn't exactly privy to how Ren spent his spare time when he wasn't with Hux or busy destroying things. Now, however, Ren seemed to be reading each morning Mitaka saw him in the mess hall, totally focused on his datapad while lazily spooning protein-boosted Marshmallow First Order Charms cereal into his mouth.

Mitaka had no idea how far through the book Ren got, but he did know that Ren and Hux had another social visit scheduled in two cycles, so he enthusiastically prepared to make another recording.

This had to go better than the last few times. After the incident with Hux getting semen in his eyes, he refused to go down on Ren again -- a sad step backwards. Now Ren sat on the edge of Hux's bed, furrowing his brow as he studied his datapad. Hux, meanwhile, busied himself off-camera in the refresher. Eventually, he emerged dressed in casual clothing and with wet hair.

“What are you reading?” Hux asked.

Mitaka jiggled his legs in excitement. The moment was finally here.

“A sex manual,” Ren replied with a hint of distaste.

Hux stopped in his tracks. “A _what?!_ Where in blazes did you get something like that?”

Mitaka's stomach dropped suddenly. This was not the positive response that he expected.

Ignoring Hux’s question, Ren said, “It says here that two men can have sexual intercourse.”

“That's preposterous,” Hux scoffed. “Our genitalia are incompatible.”

“The penetration happens anally.”

Hux’s eyes widened before he clasped a hand over his mouth. “That's disgusting.”

“I know!” Ren enthusiastically concurred. “Some stuff in here isn’t so bad, but some of it-- Here, look.”

Ren held the datapad up to Hux while Mitaka sweated nervously. The book had diagrams, mostly for various sex positions. This was a gross miscalculation, Mitaka realised as Hux looked like he was going to be sick. One Mitaka couldn’t renege.

He needed another plan.

While Mitaka tried to figure out a new strategy, something that didn’t involve him sitting the two co-commanders of the _Finalizer_ down to explain how relationships and sexual relations were supposed to work, Hux asked Ren to stay the night, since their courtship had lasted longer than some arbitrary threshold.

_Yes!_

This was it. They would discover how nice lying under the covers together was and then they’d get frisky. Perfect.

Against his best judgement, Mitaka let himself get his hopes up. He stocked up on caf so he could get through the night shift without falling asleep in front of the security monitors. Nothing was to be missed.

He watched eagerly as both men removed their day clothing, careful not to sneak looks at one another as they changed into sleepwear at opposite ends of the room. That was okay; Mitaka had mentally prepared himself for this eventuality ahead of time. Ren wore a simple short-sleeved T-shirt to cover his inhumanly muscular chest, and loose-fitting trousers. Hux wore a set of what might might have been actual silk pyjamas, coloured in a dark charcoal with the First Order logo imprinted on the left pocket.

They both got into bed, lying perhaps not as far apart as could have been, which was a plus. Hux switched the lights off, but Mitaka had prepared for this as well. He activated the night vision mode of the cameras and watched closely.

There was movement from under the covers -- tossing and turning with mumbled apologies in the dark until the two men faced one another. Mitaka couldn’t see it directly, but they were at it again, hands working each other furiously until Hux reliably came two or so minutes later and Ren resorted to finishing himself off while Hux did who knew what beneath the covers. Disappointing, but not unexpected.

The next part was the main event, as far as Mitaka was concerned. With nothing to do but remain in bed together, Hux and Ren would cuddle. _Surely_.

“Well, good night, then,” Hux stated.

“Night,” replied Ren.

Then they both retreated back to their respectives ends of the bed and appeared to be asleep within minutes.

Mitaka slumped in his seat.

He lost track of time while he stared at the monitors in disbelief, watching each man’s chest rise and fall steadily. In a fit of desperation, he quickly logged into Hux’s climate control interface, which he shouldn’t have had access to and was completely against the rules, and set the temperature to just above freezing.

It took time, but eventually Ren and Hux unconsciously worked their way together until they touched. Mitaka was about of let out a whoop of victory, but at exact that moment, Ren woke up, apologised to Hux, and remotely reset the temperature before reclaiming his position near the edge of the bed.

Mitaka cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to XD


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long.

Mitaka stirred from a deep slumber to the sensation of a presence is his bedroom. The unmistakable sound of a lightsaber igniting violently jolted him to full consciousness.

A shriek that had no right to be as high-pitched as it was involuntarily forced itself from his throat when he realised that the tip of Kylo Ren’s crackling saber was right next to his head, and that _Kylo Ren himself_ was standing at the other end of it, illuminated by its red glow. The threat of death by lightsaber only narrowly eclipsed the threat of death from embarrassment as Mitaka realised that his pyjama pants were bunched up around his ankles under the covers and that _Dave Does the Death Star_ was paused on his datapad on his bedside console. It was his favourite scene, too, where the young dark-haired Imperial lieutenant gets a comfort fuck from his superior officer after getting Force-choked by Darth Vader.

“I demand to know why you're trying to make a mockery of me,” said Ren's modulated voice.

Mitaka shrieked again. At least having his pants down meant one less thing to wash after he wet himself, _if_ he survived.

“S-- s-- sir?”

“The _book_ ,” Ren growled. “I know you put it on my datapad.”

The book? The book! The “sex manual”. Mitaka tried to speak, his tongue tripping over itself until he managed to squeak out a pitiful, “I was only trying to help.”

“Help?” Ren stepped closer, jabbing the tip of the lightsaber into the pillow right next to Mitaka’s head, making it sizzle and smoke. “I don't know what you're trying to play at, lieutenant, but--”

At the word “play”, _Dave Does the Death Star_ resumed playing on the datapad exactly where it had left off, with the titular Lieutenant Dave bent over a console and a (completely coincidentally) slim ginger admiral buried balls-deep into him. Mitaka scrunched his eyes closed and whimpered.

Ren withdrew the lightsaber and picked up the datapad. With the imminent threat gone, Mitaka's body suddenly gave up all its previous tension and warm wetness involuntarily pooled underneath him as he was overwhelmed with relief.

“What is this?” Ren asked.

The sound of skin slapping skin, Dave's moans, and the admiral’s praises filled the silence. Instead of the glow of Ren's lightsaber, the room was now lit by the datapad. Mitaka didn’t make a noise or move even a smidgen while Ren stood watching the video.

“I asked you a question, lieutenant,” Ren said, re-igniting his lightsaber in Mitaka’s direction.

“It’s pornography, sir!” Mitaka practically hollered.

Ren retracted the lightsaber again and continued to watch the datapad, apparently enthralled. “What does the dark-haired man stand to gain from this?” Ren seemingly mused aloud as Dave’s moans got louder and less coherent.

Oh no, not this. Mitaka thought -- hoped -- that Ren had read further than the section of _The Joy of Space Sex_ that caused him to recoil in disgust. Alas, Mitaka was mistaken -- something that happened a lot lately.

“It’s his-- his prostate gland, sir,” Mitaka stuttered.

Ren slowly turned his head towards Mitaka. “What about it?”

“It feels good to have it stimulated from the inside. There are other things too--”

Just at that moment, the slim ginger admiral pulled out of Dave and painted his back and arse with come.

“I’m confiscating this,” Ren declared and stormed out of Mitaka’s bedroom with his porn-filled datapad, leaving him in the darkness.

He wished for death.

 

***

 

“I watched the movie and asked him if I could put my dick in him, but he just threw me out.”

Mitaka found himself instantly transported from a blessedly dreamless sleep to the reality of Kylo Ren sitting on the edge of his bed in the dark. He almost leapt from the bed as he let out another high-pitched scream, but the covers and an all too familiar invisible force kept him in place.

As Mitaka’s heart pounded in fear, Ren sighed through his mask. “I tried to explain it to him, but he said even if it was possible, it was dirty, disgusting, and probably dangerous.”

Getting involved with Ren and Hux was the single worst error of Mitaka’s life. Giving up on recording them should have brought an end to this. He washed his hands clean of it, bought First Order war bonds with what was left with his money. But now--

Now he was Kylo Ren’s personal sex therapist. “You can use barriers,” Mitaka offered.

“You seem to have a lot of experience with this,” Ren said in an unfairly accusing tone.

If Ren was insinuating that Mitaka _slept around_ , well that was patently _not true_. The nicknames the other cadets at the academy had for him were complimentary, not derogatory. He wasn’t a _slut_ by any means. Perhaps a comforting rebound for the odd person, but Mitaka liked that sort of thing. He considered himself a rather nurturing, caring sort of individual, after all. So what if a few kind words made him amenable to taking his clothes off? People enjoy being appreciated. It’s _normal_.

“I have some,” he gulped.

“Good. Tell me everything.”

Mitaka took a deep breath. This was a very, very delicate situation, with his life likely in the balance. It was best to start at the very beginning. “Have you ever tried kissing?”

Ren scoffed. “That’s something they do in childish holodramas. We are above that.”

This was going to take a lot of work.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Hux stared at Kylo incredulously.

“This will be better than last time, I promise,” Kylo assured him. “Mitaka showed me how to do it properly.”

“Alright, then,” Hux said. Mitaka was one of Hux’s most trusted subordinates, and Kylo found that deferring to his expertise made Hux much more willing to try new things.

With Hux in agreement, Kylo reached up and cupped Hux’s face in his hands. His cheeks were smooth and closely shaved and warm. Kylo leaned forward with his lips slightly puckered, but not too much, as Mitaka had warned against. When Kylo's lips touched Hux’s, Kylo sucked on them gently. Hux let his mouth go slack, letting spit smear everywhere, but that was okay. It didn’t take Kylo long to learn the correct technique, and he was confident that Hux would catch up fast.

 

***

 

“Are you sure about this? Won’t it be easier if I do it to you?”

Kylo sighed and reminded himself of Mitaka’s advice about not making people feel bad about their sexual inadequacies, but he didn’t really know how to phrase this any other way. “I can last longer, so it’s better if I do it.”

“Well, I _am_ very efficient. Unlike you.”

“I know it sounds weird, but this is better if you aren’t efficient,” Kylo explained.

“Did Mitaka tell you this?”

Kylo nodded. “Mm hmm.” Mitaka was an _excellent_ teacher. Kylo knew everything now -- where the prostate was and the best way to touch it, how to put a barrier on in the dark, how many fingers to use first before his cock would fit. Everything.

“And you say it’s better to do it in bed and not the refresher?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, then,” Hux said. He switched off the lights, then rolled away from Kylo under the covers to lie on his side. “I’m ready. Go ahead.”

Kylo grinned and shuffled up close to Hux, not far away like they used to do in the beginning. This was going to be good.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [tumblr](https://agent-nemesis.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
